Trump Declares Victory in War on Christianity (A Satirical News Story)

By Lauren Wagner

In landmark executive orders today titled “Christianity First” president Trump declared the war on Christianity in America is real. In his official statement, he explained, that the war was started by liberals, and that liberals couldn’t possibly be Christians.

A war on Christianity has sounded less like rhetoric and more like reality each day.

With the increase in use of anti-Christian slurs, recent graffiti and arson events at Christian mosques and the bomb scares called in to 12 Christian community centers around the U.S. on the same day.

The first provision in the executive order restricts travel of atheists and other non-Christians within the United States. As the White House staff explained, it’s not about as the White House staff explained, it’s not about banning non-Christians, it’s a temporary policy aimed at keeping Christianity safe.

The orders go on to extend further religious freedoms to Christian organizations. Provisions allow federally funded churches to support politicians financially and require petitioners to vote for the churches preferred candidates.

When I asked about conflicts with the establishment clause Trump gestured with his Yuge hands and said, “we decided to go nuclear on that establishment clause thing. It’s gone.”


Legal scholars, pundits, and justice department officials have analyzed the broad executive orders for days and weighed in on whether a ban is constitutional. Mixed messages have also circulated around whether the provisions applied to Christians who only attend church on Easter and Christmas as well.

In a late-night tweet President Trump responded to the criticism posting, “much of the constitution is fake news, weak and sad. America got a bad deal”.

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